Category Archives: Perkins

Perkins & the Four Million

Morning Perkins! You look your usual gloomy self!  What’s the problem now?

Haven’t you seen the news, Sir?

Of course not, Perkins. I rely on you to keep me up to speed. What is it this time?

Well, there are four million East Europeans, Africans and Pakistanis camped outside Calais, Sir.

“Camped outside Calais”??? What on earth are you talking about? Who in their right mind would want to holiday in Calais?

They’re not holidaying, Sir. They look sort of poor, and there are lots of them who are somewhat dark-skinned and who five times a day kneel on mats and pray.

Now be careful, Perkins. We mustn’t be racist, must we? I take it you mean these are Muslims then? And who are the rest exactly?

They’re mostly Rumanians and Bulgarians, Sir.

And how do you know that?

Well, the local police have reported that 90% of the lead on local church roofs has been stolen along with a large number of railway tracks.

Goodness me! So it IS true what “The Daily Mail” says, then?

Well, it usually is, Sir …..

 But you haven’t explained what they are doing camping outside Calais.

I think they want to come to the UK, Sir ………

Come to the UK, Perkins? Four million foreigners? Are they insane? Why don’t they want to stay in their own countries?

They think they would be better off in the UK than in their own corrupt, criminal and/or or religiously-insane countries, Sir.

Huh! As far as all that goes, they are obviously deluded – the grass is always greener etc, but grass is still grass wherever you go. But the Muslim element? Surely they would want to go to a Muslim country?

It seems most of them think the UK is already a Muslim country, Sir.

Oh really, Perkins – don’t believe everything you read in “The Daily Mail”.” But from what you say it seems they are poor, homeless and indeed fridge and telly-less! How will they manage without tellys? It’s unthinkable”!!

Yes, but they believe they can get all those things here, for free.

Of COURSE they can, Perkins. That is the whole point!

But surely, Sir, only a lunatic would give free housing, tellys and fridges to four million people who have never paid a cent in tax in Britain and are not only not British but reject almost all our beliefs and traditions as well as nicking the lead off our church roofs?

Perkins!! Wash your mouth out with soap and water! What would the PM say if he heard you!!!!

He would call me a bigot, Sir.

And quite right too. No, they must all come in; a sort of Dunkirk in reverse. This will of course be a one-off invasion – till next week at least. Sort it out Perkins. Tell the councils to turf out the native Brits and replace them with destitute immigrants. This is the British way, after all.

But Sir – in the last century we would have fought four million invading foreigners, not welcomed them in with open arms!!

Yes, but those were carrying guns and driving tanks, Perkins. Bedsides, they were Germans, and the EU has abolished war. Times have changed. For goodness sake, do get up to speed.

But won’t the people be surprised – to say the least – to find four million immigrants suddenly arriving?

Perkins!! For goodness sake! We won’t let them all come in at once!! No, they’ll dribble in over a decade or so – sort of under the radar.

But surely the people have a right to know at least even if they don’t actually have any SAY in this?

Perkins! For once and all, we are elected to do what is good for the people, because of course we KNOW what is good for them. Therefore we do not have to consult them about everything or indeed anything. They place their trust in us by voting for us every five years. Do you see now?

Errrrmmmm ……

By the way, changing the subject completely, how are our poll ratings?

Well, our popularity rating is on 0.4% at the moment compared to the Tories on 40% and UKIP on 58%.

So, a big improvement on the last poll. But what about the Lib-Dems?

Clegg was last seen being led away in a straitjacket saying the EU was wonderful, Sir. Surely you had heard?

I never listen to the news on the golf course Perkins, as you well know. But given what you say, I think we are on the right track, and these four million extra benefit-consuming illegal but legalized immigrants should see our ratings shoot up. Besides, that’s four million more Labour voters. You see! It’s all good! You know it makes sense.

If you say so, Sir.


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What goes around, comes around

This problem didn’t arrive suddenly by alien spacecraft; it has been brewing for YEARS and the EU elite have done nothing to sort out the root causes, even during the (illusory) “boom” years.

It all started when they let Greece into the euro on the KNOWN LIE of falsifying their accounts – reportedly with the help of Goldman Sachs to cook the books. The EU also knew (their own economists told them) that Greece and others couldn’t survive long-term in the euro with Germany. They went on nonetheless and therefore effectively lied to their electorate, and this for political reasons. This lied-to electorate is now having to pick up vast bills.

This is a mess for all of us (though I notice that so far none of the EU leaders is taking a pay cut to help out), but even so I am happy to see LIES get the treatment they deserve. Does the general populace KNOW that the launch of the euro was based on a lie? Are we going to DO something about it?

Oh, and the Portuguese PM has just admitted that many activities “were removed from the budget”, thus falsifying the Portuguese accounts, while in Britain much investment was shifted to PFIs, which I believe ALSO don’t figure in the usual statistics designed to reveal a country’s debt.

ALL SODDING LIES. This is the leadership we have got – all done by lies, sleight of hand and financial trickery totally divorced from the REAL WORLD.


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Perkins Grapples with Growth

More transcripts from our bug in the Ministry of Misinformation, Whitehall

Sir: “Morning, Perkins. You look a bit perturbed this morning …”

Perkins: “ Good morning, Sir …. well, it’s the economic news …”

Sir: “Oh come on Perkins … swings and roundabouts, economic cycles, what goes around comes around and all that.”

Perkins: “Yes, but it seems we’re in the longest recession since records began.”

Sir: “Records, Perkins? Well, of course they’re there to be broken, and if anyone can do it, the Labour Government certainly can! Come on, cheer up – it’s just a spot of fiscal turbulence … in six months we’ll be wondering what all the fuss was about ….”

Perkins: “Six months?”

Sir:    “Well, nine months then … the PM has promised an end to the recession in 2010.”

Perkins: “Some are saying that government promises about the economy aren’t worth the paper they’re written on …”

Sir: “Well, he only said it, Perkins. I don’t think he actually wrote it down as evidence, so to speak.”

Perkins: “But he also said Britain was better placed than other European countries to weather the recession, and now look at France and Germany! My old schoolmate Snuggs down in Southern Germany says there is no sign of a recession – boarded-up and charity shops as rare as unicorns, BMWs, Mercedes and Audis whizzing back and fro’ to Munich – not a banger to be seen, immaculate countryside …. the only black spot is farmers whingeing about the low price of milk.”

Sir: “Perkins, I’ve told you before, that’s Germany … you can’t apply the same standards of comparison to Britain …. as for posh cars, well, they make them don’t they? They probably have a surplus and so are flogging them off cheap.

Perkins: “But what about the sinking £, Sir? It’s now just hovering around parity with the euro – a year ago it was well above it. It’s very worrying …”

Sir: “Perkins …. I believe you’ve never studied economics, have you? that’s just the way it is. The German currency always goes up relative to the £. I remember when I was at school it was 11DM to the £.

Perkins: “But it’s not the German currency, Sir, it’s the euro.

Sir: “Don’t be silly, Perkins. The euro is 90% the Deutschmark in reality. But I wouldn’t worry about the falling £: it’s great for our exports. Besides, it hasn’t fallen relative to people in Britain. The £ in your pocket has maintained its value. Old Harold Wilson had a good understanding of relativity …. our whole approach is based on the principles of Einstein himself.”

Perkins: “But won’t commodities rise, Sir? After all, we depend on imports for practically everything.”

Sir: Aha! But that’s good for restraining consumption … we must consume less, Perkins, if we are to save the planet.

Perkins: “But the PM is banking on increased growth to save the economy, so how can we have increased growth and lower consumption, Sir? I don’t understand!”

Sir: “As I said before, Perkins, you’re not an economist – or a politician, come to that …..”

Perkins: “But they’re saying that we are borrowing billions just to cover current expenditure rather than spending it long-term infrastructure projects.”

Sir: “Ah … now you’re getting a bit technical, Perkins … you really must avoid jargon … after all, this is the Ministry of Misinformation ….”

Perkins: “Well, I can’t help being worried, Sir.”

Sir: “Enough of this nonsense, Perkins. The economy is booming …  have you been to Harrods lately? Absolutely packed ….”

Perkins: “Yes Sir, with Arabs and Russian oligarchs ….”

Sir: “Well, look on the bright side, Perkins at least they’re spending their money over here rather than in their own countries ….. besides, where would the Premiership be without their money …. come on, Perkins – let’s have a cup of tea and forget about all this economic nonsense … we have some misinformation to sort out …””


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Perkins & the Subprime Scam

Perkins – you’re looking troubled again …

It’s this subprime fiasco, Sir.

You know, Perkins. I think you tend to overuse the word “fiasco” a bit ….

Well, how would you describe it, Sir?

I think “wobble”’ probably does it, Perkins. And we didn’t get where we are today without the occasional wobble, did we?

But shouldn’t we call things by their proper names, Sir?

I’m not sure if the word “should” is all that useful in politics, Perkins.

But this subprime business is appalling, Sir!

But why on earth are you so het up, Perkins? Have you been reading the “Daily Mail” again?

Look Sir, correct me if I’m wrong, but these loans were made to people who could only have afforded to pay them back if a whole raft of conditions had all come to pass. They’d have had to increase their incomes to pay the loans back, inflation would have had to stay low, the house market would have had to remain buoyant and so on. In fact, NONE of those things applied or were likely to and those who marketed these loans must have KNOWN they were built on sand!

Well, you may be partly ….

So why were they called “subprime”? Surely that means any kind of loans apart from “prime” loans?

Well, …

Whereas in fact, they are almost all absolutely useless rather than merely “subprime”. Why in fact didn’t they call them “Absolutely Worthless Shite Loans sold by Greedy, Overpaid Fat Cat Bankers Overseen by Totally Incompetent and Complicit Wankers in the Federal Reserve Bank”?

Well, that wouldn’t have fitted on the contracts for a start!

But it’s such lies, Sir!

Now Perkins, there is a difference between Lies and Good Marketing. For goodness sake! How could anyone have sold any of those loans with a name like yours?

At least it would have been honest, Sir.

Ah Perkins! Sometimes you remind me of my long-distant youth …..

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Posted by on October 6, 2010 in Humour, Perkins, Politics


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