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Category Archives: Humour

EU Lunatic At Large

There is panic in the corridors of Brussels tonight as the search goes on for an EU apparatchik apparently gone insane. Specialists believe that this individual – frustrated at having nothing of any use whatsoever to do – especially of course anything that could conceivably create any wealth for Europe – has publicized what can only be described as “a cunning plan” as detailed below:

“Bankruptcy should be renamed ‘debt adjustment’, recommends Riccardo Ribera d’Alcala, the EU’s Directorate General for International Policies, who said that use of the word bankruptcy was too potent and made it difficult for people to rebuild their financial reputation.”

Indeed, heaven forbid that anyone should be stigmatized. Shame on us for having stigmatized Hitler in an earlier age. Was his upbringing taken into account? Were his human rights considered?

But this hapless individual – forever to be known hereafter as Mr Debt Adjustment – cannot take all the blame, for euphemismitis is rampant in the EU, partly one suspects to confuse the plebs. Thus it is that we have:

QE = Quantitative Easing, which in Realspeak means of course:

“more borrowing and/or printing of money designed to solve the problem of too much borrowing and printing of money; a cunning plan which has the great benefit of raising inflation to inflate away the debt and coincidentally (but who cares?) stuff the plebs out of their increasingly-worthless savings (Idiots! Everyone knows that saving is for mugs!)”

or indeed my particular favourite:

OFT = Outright Financial Transaction.

Again, one feels obliged to translate this into Realspeak, whereupon we get:

“an ordinary financial transaction (or to be more precise bung of “money” handily printed, borrowed and/or imagined by the ECB) which has been got at by the EU Marketing Department so as to sound more final, decisive and posh.”

Another favourite is:

an SPV = a special purpose vehicle, or in other words:

“EITHER a con designed to pour billions more euros down the euro black hole without the plebs realising it OR Barroso’s new limo specially designed to be resistant to tomato-throwing plebs”.

In any case, all of these brilliant EU inventions come into the well-worn category of “You could not make it up.”

And prompt the question: “When will we see an end to this criminal lunacy?”

Perhaps Mr Debt Adjustment could be put in charge of a new department: Realspeak Production. Then he could no doubt come up with some handy ideas such as:

death = permanent elsewhereness
creative accounting = theft
EU accounts = theft
remunatory readjustment = vast and totally unmerited payrise

The potential is endless.

More examples of “Eurospeak” are here –
much more useful than Esperanto of course.

 
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Posted by on February 16, 2014 in European Union, Humour, Politics

 

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Titles for a Flanby Film

Many political episodes resemble a soap-opera, and Mr Hollande’s is no different. One day they will make a film of this – pity Jacques Tati is no longer around. I have been mulling over some possible titles; first, it helps to know some French.

“un flan” is, surprisingly, a flannish sort of tart: wobbly, insubstantial, flabby, floppy, but somewhat fruity: however, nothing you would want to build anything on

“un flanby” is a brand of caramel custard

“flou” is fuzzy, woolly, unclear, indecisive and generally going round in circles

I have tried to feel sorry for Flanby, but have so far failed miserably. I suppose I must be old-fashioned, but a President of France describing marriage as “too bourgeois” is one surreality too far.

  • 24 Heures Avec Un Flanby

  • A La Recherche Du Flanby Perdu

  • A Bird Round The Corner Is Worth One In The Palace

  • Beware of Scooterized Flanbys

  • Fixit with Superflou

  • Flamby Rides Again

  • Flanbied to a Crisp

  • Flanby Goes Too Far

  • Flanby Goes To Hospital (Eventually)

  • Flanby Loses Count

  • Flanby Overdoes It

  • Flanby Breaks His Pact

  • Flanby Through The Back Door

  • Flanby By Night

  • Flanby On Top

  • Flanby In Disguise

  • Flanby Goes Undercover

  • Flanby Does It With A Wheelie

  • Flanby Poules the other one

  • Flanby Loses His Helmet

  • Flanby Does It Round The Corner

  • Flanby Keeps It Up!

  • Flanby My Dear, I Don’t Give A Damn

  • Flanby The Hard Man

  • Flanby And The (Not So) Secret Service

  • Flanby Today, Goon Tomorrow

  • Flanby Reporting, Present and Incorrect

  • Flanby Reveals All (but not to us)

  • Flanby Undone

  • Flanby Strikes Again

  • Flouby’s Cast-Offs

  • Flouflanby’s Rejects

  • Goodnight Flanby

  • Hell hath no fury Like A Woman Flanbied

  • How to Flanby For Dummies

  • Invasion of the Flanby

  • Je ne regrette pas mon Flanby

  • La Flambée du Flanby

  • Last Tango With Flanby

  • Last Tango in Paris With A Scooterized Flanby

  • Le Lys Dans L’Allée

  • Les Trois Victimes de Flouflanby

  • Mama! The Flanby is sagging!

  • Moi? Flanby?

  • Mon Manege a Trois

  • Mr Flou et Les Trois Flanbybabes

  • My Flanby in Shining Helmet

  • Never Trust a Flanby

  • Once Flanbied, twice shy

  • Once a Flanby, Always a Flanby

  • Only I Can Flanby

  • Pass Me The Suicide Pills; here Comes Flanby

  • Revenge of the Flanbied

  • Scooter Flanby, Roi du Flou

  • Showdown at the Palace

  • Six Jours Sans Flanby

  • SuperFlanby and the Last One Standing

  • SuperFlanby et les Trois Flanbieds

  • That’s Another Fine Flanby You’ve Got Me Into

  • The Flanby is undone!

  • The Flanby on Wheels

  • The Flanby Your Mother Warned You About

  • The Flanby Has A Pact with Irresponsibility

  • The Third Lady of Flanby

  • The Flanby Trio

  • The Three Flanbieds

  • There’s No Stopping A Flanby

  • There’s a Flanby in my bed!

  • Three Flou Into The Flanby’s Nest

  • Too much Flanby is Bad For Your Health

  • Two Down, One To Go

  • You can’t keep a Flanby Down

 
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Posted by on January 22, 2014 in France, Humour, Politics

 

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Sarko’s Wagging Finger

 

Caption Competition?

Him;
“But you said you’d bail us out …….”

“But who else will save us from our own folly if not the Germans?”

“Come on Angela – hand over the money; you know it makes sense.”

“We must stick together against those Anglo-Saxons; it’s all their fault.”

“I’ll raise you one Tobin tax and two Greek Gauleiters.”

“Look Angela; there IS no Europe without France …..”

“Angela my dear. Germany may be bigger than us, but size isn’t everything.”(Ed. well, he should know.)

“If we just stick together, we should be able to bully the rest into submission.”

HER:

“Look; everyone knows you’re a stroppy, nerdish dwarf – let’s move on.”

“No Sarko – you DIDN’T win the war …..”

“Do I understand this right? What’s yours is yours and what’s ours is yours, too?”

“You wag that at me just once more and I’ll bite it off.”

“We don’t really want to make enemies of the UK, do we? Oh, sorry – silly question.”

 
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Posted by on January 9, 2012 in European Union, Humour

 

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DSK – Oh Dear …….

Oh Dear  …… you’d think that someone as rich and powerful as DSK would be able to find himself a bit of compliant totty without having to grope a hotel serving wench …

Not having been filthy rich myself I find it so hard to fathom the way these people think. As Geoffrey Archer said, “The Rich are Different”. (or was that Gilly Cooper?)

But he is of course an exceptional person – stinking rich yet seeking to be the number 1 socialist in France and share out all his wealth, though – cynic that I am – I can’t help thinking that his real aim is to share out all MY wealth – using this word in its widest possible sense.

But fair’s fair – “innocent until proven guilty” and all that …. even if he is French ….. it really is a tremendous hoot …. I suspect a touch of the French CREEP – a secret squad of French Secret Service agents setting up a sting to ensure DSK can’t pose a threat to Sarko’s reelection ….. the wench is probably a secret agent employed by the French right … I’d like to see a pic of her in her “working” clothes! How short was her skirt? How tight was her blouse?  Will it all come out in court?

Will Wikileaks expose it all? Will Sarko be arrested? (Ooops – can’t arrest a serving French President – they are too important – see Jacques Chirac, history of) Will Carla flounce off calling him “a pathetic little nerdish git”? (not news to us of course)

And poor old Angela!! About to discuss the second Greek bailout and turning up at the airport with no DSK in sight!!

“Vot haz ‘appened to DSK?” she fumes. “Vere iz he?”

“Sorry, your Chancelloressship – he’s just been arrested for rape!”

“Vell …. if that’s how he is going to behave perhaps I can consider myself fortunate ….”

I can’t imagine why people bother with “Eastenders”; politics is MUCH more fun …..

 
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Posted by on May 15, 2011 in European Union, Human Interest, Humour

 

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TODAY’S LAUGH

The Independent

9 November, 2010

 

The Catholic church-backed National Conference for the Family began in Milan yesterday – with one noticeable absence. Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi, who had been due to open proceedings, was bumped from the schedule by officials who realised it would be like having Attila the Hun introducing a peace conference.

 
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Posted by on November 10, 2010 in Humour

 

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The Noo Old Labour Chancellor

Alan Johnson has been appointed Labour Shadow Chancellor, in other words Finance Minster. This is – as Sir Humphrey would have said – a bold, even courageous decision, given that Mr Johnson has no expertise or experience in this field.

Still, as Labour have almost never had anyone in that category (having a clue about finance and economics) I suppose from their point of view AJ is as good as anyone.

The key requirement in a Labour Chancellor is of course:

A) to blather on endlessly and bore us all to death and especially build up a house-built-on-sand impression that you have the faintest idea what you are talking about.

B) to complicate the tax system so completely that it breaks down totally (see just ONE example of Inland Revenue shambles)

C) to completely separate what you do from what actually needs doing and to achieve the exact opposite of what you set out to (see Brown’s achievements on child poverty)

D) to give your supporters in the civil service and local councils (especially the top brass, not the plebs) enormous financial advantages and vast pensions at the expense of the country as a whole

E) to leave your post with the country in debt up to the eyeballs blaming it all on “the recession” that you have yourself done a lot to provoke by overspending

So, where Gordon Brown led no doubt AJ will follow. We can only hope that the choice of a Labour Shadow Chancellor will remain of unsurpassing irrelevance insofar as they will never get relected or at least until all Labour MPs in any way responsible for the last disgraceful government have been put out to – no doubt very expensive – grass.

 
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Posted by on October 14, 2010 in Humour, Politics

 

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Understanding French Politics

They may be our neighbours, and they may have helped the Yanks to successfully revolt, but it is still difficult to understand what’s going on over there …..

This interview of Jacques Chirac on American TV may be some help ….

 
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Posted by on October 6, 2010 in Humour, Politics

 

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