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2014: You Read It Here First!

30 Dec

Let’s play the “New Year Predictions” game!

WWIII
2014 will see an end to the long period of peace enjoyed (THANKS TO THE GLORIOUS EU) since the dreaded Anglo-Saxons liberated Europe in 1945.

Concerning WWIII, there are two scenarios – A) a merely terrible one and B) a catastrophically terrible one:

A) WWIII will involve the entire Middle East, Pakistan and other areas worldwide infested by ISLAM as Muslim Sunnis try to exterminate the Muslim Shia and vice versa as part of “God’s Work”, with all those dying or killing shouting “God is Great” as they do so.

Once whichever Muslim group has wiped out the other lot they will start on the probably small number of  “apostates” surviving the radiation …… we shall fight them on the beaches but probably with our bare hands as most of the armed forces will have been abolished. When a nuclear suitcase-bomb goes off in London the political elite might at last issue from their secret bunker a mild rebuke to Islamic leaders, but the ECHR will refuse to accept Islam being designated a terrorist organisation.

The last act of WWIII will involve Iran and Israel destroying each other, and radiation from a last-ditch Israeli bomb to try to save its people will spread out all over the world and kill three billion people.

B) If things go really badly, WWIII Middle-East may be complemented by WWIII Asia with the collapse of China’s economy and society pushing their leaders to declare war on Taiwan and thus the USA, though Obama will probably do nothing, so the Chinese takeover of the whole area may go unchallenged apart from a few desperate Taiwanese air-strikes. However, at that point Japan will fear Chinese expansion and its general thirst for revenge and declare war on China, at last forcing the USA to do something apart from wring its hands, shrug its shoulders and increase its debt ceiling.

Thus will WWIII (Asia) and WWIII (Middle East) coalesce into a gigantic conflagration in which only the nearest Eskimoes to the North Pole will survive.

There – is that optimistic enough?

PS As death stalks the planet the EU will issue a stern rebuke to the UK about its carrots being too orange.

PPS The last statement ever to be issued by Labour leaders will blame Mrs Thatcher and the Tories as radiation wipes out the people if not they themselves as they continue to issue directives from their bunker.

OTHER POLITICS
UKIP will tsunami the European elections and this will be accompanied by a vast acceleration in the speed of Cameron’s headless chicken careering round the farmyard.

The Lib-Dems will see their apocalypse coming and ditch Clegg who will escape to the EU for four times the salary, half the work, twice the pontificating speeches and 20% of his current tax. Cable will take over, since though surreally clueless he is the best they have got. Cable will nominate Chris Huhne to the new position of “Shadow Minister of Ethics” on the “Set a thief to catch a thief” basis.

As the Tories implode in face of mass defections to UKIP the Labour Party will win a sudden election on the promise of re-nationalising all utilities and banks plus the freezing of all prices for ten years in conjunction with the doubling of all benefits as well as NHS salaries and the building of ten million new homes. Once Labour is elected the GBP will immediately collapse along with the closure of the entire financial sector in the City, whose premises will come in handy for the vast flood of immigrants joining their Muslim brothers in the future Londonistan. EM will announce that the pound in our pockets is still worth a pound as Blair is brought back as Consultant to spin the total meltdown of Britain as a new era of “Even Nooer Labour” harmony and prosperity. This will not be easy, which is why he will be paid a fee of 100 million Swiss francs, the only currency in the world that has not collapsed.

A new class of mega-rich will evolve, those having had the foresight to invest in horse-breeding before Labour’s election.

The Russian Red Army will invade all the countries previously part of the USSR, ostensibly to save them from chaos as the world financial system collapses under a mountain of debt.This will shortly be followed by the abolition of parliament in Russia and the total reestablishment of the USSR (after consultation with Blair for a fee of 3 million Swiss francs) to be known as the NUSSR (NOO USSR). Putin will unanimously be elected by his cronies as “President for Life” and declared as “Man of the Year” by Time Magazine. The Pussy Riot gang will be rearrested and sent along with Gary Kasparov to a new Siberian Gulag “Retraining Centre” to be built in consultation with Kim Jong-un.

EU
The euro will collapse and the economies of ClubMed immediately begin to improve as German exports plummet and the country suffers high unemployment and inflation. The country will then look for “a strong leader” to reestablish Germany’s dominant position in Europe. The French government will also collapse and blame everyone except themselves but in particular the Boche and Anglo-Saxons in equal measure as the National Front leads an “Emergency Government of National Salvation” whose main policy is to quit the EU. This will remain one of the rare acts of sanity in an increasingly lunatic world.

SPAIN will fall deeper down its death spiral and (like France) confiscate all property owned by foreigners, leaving hundreds of thousands of British pensioners destitute. Gibraltar will be blockaded and troop movements built up “to liberate our territory”, but war over Gibraltar will be pre-empted by WWIII which will have started in the Middle East. Until radiation overwhelms the whole of the Northern Hemisphere, Spain and the UK will then cooperate to prevent tens of millions of desperate refugees fleeing from North African Islamic countries.

LONDON will elect a Muslim Mayor who hires the Egyptian Muslim Brotherhood Morsi as Consultant and promptly demands Shariah Law for “Muslim Areas”. This will be initially be refused but conceded after the Muslims appeal to the ECHR, which allows the appeal and accuses the British government of xenophobia and racism – even though Islam is not a race of course. The British government will relocate to Scunthorpe as MPs cannot hear themselves think owing to the hideous sounds emanating from the mosques mushrooming all over Westminster. Islamic moves begin to ensure the secession of London and Birmingham from the UK as a new Islamic state. A corridor policed by UN troops will link these two Islamic cities.

FOOTIE
A multi-national group of Arab, Chinese and Russian oligarchs will take over the management of Manchester United and buy up the 20 best players on the planet, paying them each a million quid a game. Once the title has been won by the biggest point-margin in history (having lost only one point in a draw when half their team were sick with food-poisoning) the group will issue a statement saying how proud of their boys they are and that it was team spirit and grit that won the day.

CRICKET
Botham will argue that a lot of the problems in Australia were down to bad luck in losing the toss allied with superior OZ sledging techniques and faulty technology. England will then play a three-match series with the Ireland Second XI and lose three-nil with only KP scoring above double-figures.

BBC
The BBC will survive attempts to abolish it and in defiance send 3,000 staff to cover the World Cup in Brazil. To improve morale it will sack all its senior management with vast golden-handshakes and then rehire them as consultants at twice their previous emoluments.

NHS
The NHS will collapse entirely and in desperation be contracted out to Cuba. 99% of native-Brit white doctors will relocate to Australia and the public will be given crash-courses in Spanish, Swahili, Arabic and Urdu to help them understand what their doctors are telling them.

LAW & ORDER
The new Labour government will free all prisoners on the basis that it wasn’t their fault as they had deprived childhoods under Mrs Thatcher. The prisons will be reused as luxury housing for immigrant arrivals. As nobody will any longer have to accept responsibility for crime there will be no more need for courts and lawyers, thus freeing up vast resources and premises for even more immigrants.

Anyone committing a crime (which of course is not their fault) will be cautioned by the police and told not to do it again under pain of another and longer-lasting caution.

YUP!! It’s going to be an exciting year.

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Posted by on December 30, 2013 in Britain, Politics

 

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