Hello Perkins. You look your usual gloomy self. What’s up?
Nothing in particular, Sir – just the general situation.
Now come on Perkins. Things are looking up. Look at the autumn statement! Full of good news, especially the sight of the red-faced Balls’ choking over his notes.
But after Christmas the borders will be open to Eastern Europe. Hundreds of thousands are going to flood in.
Now don’t be silly, Perkins. Government estimates show that only hundreds will trickle in – if that.
But government estimates are a joke, Sir!
That’s a bit unfair, Perkins. They were only out by 10,000% when the first freeing up of borders took place.
But Sir, our infrastructure can’t cope; housing, schools, hospitals ….
You are so negative, Perkins. Housing is not a problem. They will set up camps in Hyde Park – LOADS of room there. And for schools we can put up mobiles; converted containers and stuff.
But what about health, Sir?
There again, you are being unrealistic. These people are used to living rough. They don’t get ill like our fat, alcohol-sodden and non-exercising layabouts here. And you are ignoring the plus points.
Yes. They will provide very cheap Labour for employers so they can compete against China.
But what about our native workers, Sir?
Perkins – they don’t work for the low wages the immigrants will be offered and so will go on benefits and be much better off. Everyone’s a winner.
Not the taxpayer, Sir.
The taxpayer? What do you mean? Oh, I see – but it is competition, Perkins. We have to compete with the far East. And you forget the Brownie points.
OF COURSE!! The UK opens its borders, takes in half of of Eastern Europe, including all the Roma. That’s worth millions of Brownie points.
But what USE are they Sir? Can you cash them IN anywhere?
Now you’re being Silly, Perkins. Of course you can’t cash them in.
Well, what use are they then?
Goodness Perkins! All you think about is money!! They prove we are more moral than everyone else. We can sit back on our sofas in Primrose Hill and feel good about ourselves.
I’m not sure the people in areas swamped by homeless immigrants will feel good about anything much, Sir.
“Swamped” – rather a Powellish 60s word Perkins. Wash your mouth out with soap and water. As for the natives who will be swamped – I mean who will welcome their new European compatriots – they always vote for us anyway, so we can ignore them. And of course, most of the immigrants will go to areas already swamped – I mean occupied – by previous immigrants. There won’t be any NEW swamps so to speak, only slowly expanding ones – except in Hyde Park perhaps ….. No Perkins, this is the dawn of a new era of multi-culturalism. Britain will lead the world.
But the world is laughing itself silly at us, Sir!
They may be laughing now, Perkins, but we shall have the last laugh; you wait and see!
If you say so, Sir ……