Morning Perkins! You look your usual gloomy self! What’s the problem now?
Haven’t you seen the news, Sir?
Of course not, Perkins. I rely on you to keep me up to speed. What is it this time?
Well, there are four million East Europeans, Africans and Pakistanis camped outside Calais, Sir.
“Camped outside Calais”??? What on earth are you talking about? Who in their right mind would want to holiday in Calais?
They’re not holidaying, Sir. They look sort of poor, and there are lots of them who are somewhat dark-skinned and who five times a day kneel on mats and pray.
Now be careful, Perkins. We mustn’t be racist, must we? I take it you mean these are Muslims then? And who are the rest exactly?
They’re mostly Rumanians and Bulgarians, Sir.
And how do you know that?
Well, the local police have reported that 90% of the lead on local church roofs has been stolen along with a large number of railway tracks.
Goodness me! So it IS true what “The Daily Mail” says, then?
Well, it usually is, Sir …..
But you haven’t explained what they are doing camping outside Calais.
I think they want to come to the UK, Sir ………
Come to the UK, Perkins? Four million foreigners? Are they insane? Why don’t they want to stay in their own countries?
They think they would be better off in the UK than in their own corrupt, criminal and/or or religiously-insane countries, Sir.
Huh! As far as all that goes, they are obviously deluded – the grass is always greener etc, but grass is still grass wherever you go. But the Muslim element? Surely they would want to go to a Muslim country?
It seems most of them think the UK is already a Muslim country, Sir.
Oh really, Perkins – don’t believe everything you read in “The Daily Mail”.” But from what you say it seems they are poor, homeless and indeed fridge and telly-less! How will they manage without tellys? It’s unthinkable”!!
Yes, but they believe they can get all those things here, for free.
Of COURSE they can, Perkins. That is the whole point!
But surely, Sir, only a lunatic would give free housing, tellys and fridges to four million people who have never paid a cent in tax in Britain and are not only not British but reject almost all our beliefs and traditions as well as nicking the lead off our church roofs?
Perkins!! Wash your mouth out with soap and water! What would the PM say if he heard you!!!!
He would call me a bigot, Sir.
And quite right too. No, they must all come in; a sort of Dunkirk in reverse. This will of course be a one-off invasion – till next week at least. Sort it out Perkins. Tell the councils to turf out the native Brits and replace them with destitute immigrants. This is the British way, after all.
But Sir – in the last century we would have fought four million invading foreigners, not welcomed them in with open arms!!
Yes, but those were carrying guns and driving tanks, Perkins. Bedsides, they were Germans, and the EU has abolished war. Times have changed. For goodness sake, do get up to speed.
But won’t the people be surprised – to say the least – to find four million immigrants suddenly arriving?
Perkins!! For goodness sake! We won’t let them all come in at once!! No, they’ll dribble in over a decade or so – sort of under the radar.
But surely the people have a right to know at least even if they don’t actually have any SAY in this?
Perkins! For once and all, we are elected to do what is good for the people, because of course we KNOW what is good for them. Therefore we do not have to consult them about everything or indeed anything. They place their trust in us by voting for us every five years. Do you see now?
By the way, changing the subject completely, how are our poll ratings?
Well, our popularity rating is on 0.4% at the moment compared to the Tories on 40% and UKIP on 58%.
So, a big improvement on the last poll. But what about the Lib-Dems?
Clegg was last seen being led away in a straitjacket saying the EU was wonderful, Sir. Surely you had heard?
I never listen to the news on the golf course Perkins, as you well know. But given what you say, I think we are on the right track, and these four million extra benefit-consuming illegal but legalized immigrants should see our ratings shoot up. Besides, that’s four million more Labour voters. You see! It’s all good! You know it makes sense.
If you say so, Sir.