10 May


Rumours of the Labour Party’s Central Planning Office blowing a fuse have been swirling around the ether since latest British manufacturing production figures were released.

It seems that contrary to endlessly-repeated predictions of the total collapse of manufacturing along with the rest of the economy (rumours primed by Labour since the first years of Mrs Thatcher of course, even though manufacturing was higher at the end of her period than at the beginning), British manufacturing growth is holding its own and set for an increase even as that in most of Europe still declines. This is because Britain’s share of trade with the rest of the world is increasing while the EU atrophies into a total bureaucratic meltdown – apart from Germany of course, whose high-tech machine-tools and automobiles are still rising in demand.

Labour IT wizards have admitted that there must be a glitch in their algorhythms and are furiously working to fix it. Of course, any improvement in the economy is a disaster for Labour, as they thrive best when the economy is collapsing, both when they are in AND out of power.

On the technical front, one IT insider confided that they may have given Osbourne too high a negativity rating. This should apparently have been minus 100 and not minus 10,000, a rating given because he is an upper-class toff. “In future,” admitted the technician, “we may have to set this variable according to actual performance rather than a person’s social origin. But to be fair, nobody expected a toff to have a clue, and so this has taken us all by surprise.”

Still, analysts assume that Labour is working on some sort of spin to explain to the people why this improvement in manufacturing is in fact a purely spurious and completely temporary delusion and the figures do in fact on the contrary predict eventual disaster. Meanwhile the Labour Economic Planning Department is still proposing extra borrowing and spending to “create jobs”, and thus like its soulmates over in France demanding an end to “austerity” and a new spending splurge to “boost growth.” It remains to be seen whether the British public will buy this breathtakingly-daring economic cunning plan, which is one which the Germans – so far – have resisted. The astonishing thing is that all those countries now in an economic death spiral because of too much borrowing and debt are proposing to indulge in yet more borrowing and debt. This must either be extraordinarily clever or totally insane, and the jury is still out on that one.

A) “Just days after receiving a Queen’s Awards for Enterprise to mark its exporting performance, the company said it will expand its Stoke-on-Trent production facilities, with the creation of 230 jobs.

Its sales rose 6pc to £70.2m last year, helped by fast growing sales in the US, Asia and South America. More than 80pc of its turnover comes from overseas.

Kevin Oakes, chief executive, said: “We sell into more than 130 countries. I have no doubt that’s largely because we manufacture in the UK. Our overseas customers see a real value in the Made in England backstamp. It’s not just about the quality and design, it’s about the integrity of the business as a whole – the service we offer and the fact that we stand by our products and our values.”

B) “Thursday’s promising manufacturing output figures may have come as a surprise to many, but not John Nollett. The managing director of £19m turnover Pailton Engineering, which was founded in his grandfather’s garden shed in1969, has long been a cheerleader for the prospects of British production. Even when politicians were, as Nollett puts it, “pushing manufacturing to one side thinking it was dead”.

“I own a German manufacturing business and an English one – I see [similarities] between German and British skills. And ours exceed what they have – even if they’re better at marketing themselves.” “


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