A True British Socialist
– A true British socialist is one sufficiently well off not to have to bother about the economic meltdown he or she brings about through the utter and incompetent misuse of money taken from people who create it (usually lumped together with yawning sneers as “capitalists”).
– The true elite British socialist is a great thinker, usually in some posh part of the country such as Hampstead, where he or she is surrounded by like-minded people, almost all of whom have never done a real job such as postman, check-out assistant, dustman, farmer (unless country gent) or bog-cleaner.
– Having thought at great length on behalf of the plebs (for which of course the latter should be eternally grateful) and after a formative passage from prep to public school and then on to Oxbridge the true socialist is now well-equipped to set about his self-anointed task of bringing his country’s economy to its knees on behalf of his less-privileged fellows.
– Once the inevitable collapse of the economy has been accomplished but after a brief period of delusional voter-bribing euphoria during which it is announced that bust and poverty have both been abolished to be replaced by perpetual boom then he or she then retires to his or her Hampstead (or Scottish) retreat or indeed his or an oligarch mate’s yacht in Monaco and sends best wishes to the plebs left behind while blaming it all on the incoming government and of course Mrs Thatcher.
– Of course, not all true socialists are effete and idle thinkers in Hampstead. Some inhabit leafy rural towns and villages well away from the problems created by their gurus. The archetypal true British socialist has a very large income wrenched by the sweat of his or her – or often someone else’s – brow and wisely invested in a large property from which he or she can rail against the unfairness of non-socialism while refusing the overpowering temptation to exile him or herself to a foreign true socialist paradise such as Cuba, where the people are dirt poor but rumoured to be deliriously happy even though those trying to escape are locked up as lunatics and/or traitors.
– (The fact that the world’s vast army of economic migrants is busting a gut to get into Britain rather than Cuba is a bit puzzling, but no doubt there is an explanation for this that no doubt you have to be a true British socialist to explain. This is apparently called “socialist dialectic”.)
– Finally, a true socialist is of course someone who sneers at anyone with a contrary view, labelling them “clowns”, “fruitcakes” or indeed “idiots”. In this respect true socialists are no different from idle, effete, over-privileged capitalist tossers such as David Cameron and Ken “I’ve never-been-right-before-and-I’m-not-going-to-start-now” Clarke.
CYCLES: As we all know, life is a succession of cycles: the nitrogen cycle, the menstrual cycle and the bicycle, to name but a few, and the British political cycle is no different:
– The true socialists are voted into power and get on with doing what they do best.
– A weary public eventually gets fed up with spin, debt, poverty and chaos and votes them out.
– A nasty, vicious, capitalist right-wing bunch of utter toffs replaces them – aided and abetted by moronic Liberal-Demopratts landed from another planet – and sets about putting the damage right.
– This involves a certain amount of pain and sacrifice, though not by the true British socialists sending goodwill messages from their yachts, Scottish castles or indeed leafy East Anglian enclaves, or indeed the House of Lords.
– The (it must be said) fairly moronic and long-term suffering but short-term memoried British public soon gets fed up with living within the country’s means and votes the true British socialists back into power, thus completing the cycle for another round of the same game.
– The top former true British socialists who ran the country into the ground get made Lords and/or sent to Brussels as Commissioners or in Blair’s case no doubt made eventual World President and roving Chief-Pontificator to the Masses, or rather to select groups of capitalists who pay him 50,000 GBP a session to hear his pearls of wisdom.
– A (so-far) minority of the British public is a bit tired of this repeated game and would like a complete change but is of course (see above) labelled as “clowns”, “fruitcakes”, “racists” and numerous other choice phrases from “The Over-Privileged Left-and-Right-Wing Tossers’ Book of Brainless Personal Insults” by the afore-mentioned over-privileged and self-appointed and righteous dinosaur political parties who are the willing players in the endless cycle described above. As far as this goes we are reminded of the immortal phrase of the delectable Miss Mandy Rice-Davies: “They would say that, wouldn’t they.”
– However, in true Greek-hubris style it seems that the “clowns” have had the latest – if not yet the last – laugh, which of course is entirely appropriate.
PS Concerning “clowns”, it is rumoured that the UK branch of the Worldwide Clowns Union is taking the Tories to the ECHR on the basis that – clowns or not – they have as many rights as anyone else, including those illegal immigrant criminals guilty of GBH and other serious offences who cannot be exported owing to their human right to “have a family life”. No doubt the dinosaur parties would like to see the right to vote removed from all those designated (by them) as “clowns”, but this will be fiercely resisted by we clowns and our growing army of supporters. HA, HA ……
PPS Capitalism: a system whereby people who don’t want to be poor beg, borrow, earn or inherit money and use it to create wealth, some of which they are happy to give to the rest in the form of taxes but also in the occasional donation (see “Bill Gates Foundation”).
Socialism: a system whereby people with no idea whatsoever of economics take the capitalists’ money and distribute it like confetti until their country’s economy collapses, at which point they blame it all on capitalism (and Mrs Thatcher)