– Argentina will successfully invade the Falklands and most of the inhabitants will emigrate from their homeland and birthplace to Britain. A giant statue of General Galtieri will be erected in Stanley, or rather Freedom-from-Colonialism City as it will be renamed. A protest by Argentinian Indians demanding the return of their country from Spanish colonialists will be suppressed with massive force and the ringleaders shot if lucky or imprisoned if not. The EU will support Argentina with the French supplying Exocets Mark 21 and the UK will leave the EU in disgust. UK fishermen will reclaim their traditional fishing areas, the stocks will be better managed, the population will eat more fish and be healthy. A brief fishing-war will end with one of our aircraftless aircraft-carriers ramming a Spanish trawler. The UK will save 20 million GBP per day previously wasted on the EU and Dame Ashton, Boringoso and Van Rompo will lose their jobs. (riotous joy breaks out all over England)
– The euro will collapse leaving only Germany, Austria and Holland as members of the currency to be renamed the Nordmark. Whether the people will end up calling the Mark or the Nord for short is unknown at this time.
– In the final triumph of Brusselian zealotry the economies of Southern Europe and Ireland will collapse and millions will emigrate to the Nordmark zone and of course to England, forcing the govt to stop all immigration and review all benefits as they decide to adopt a Swedish-style benefits system. PM Cameron said: “If it’s good enough for the Swedes then it’ll do for us.”
– The Coalition will disintegrate as Cleggo leaves to spend an
indefinite period in a sanitorium recovering from a mystery illness; he was last seen being carted off by men in white coats. Meanwhile an arrest warrant will be issued for Gordon Brown for the new crime of “ruining an economy” – as opposed to running one as he thought he was doing.
– The govt will be forced to call an election which it will win in a landslide. It will then repudiate all pfi contracts signed by the previous Labour government, thus saving millions by no longer paying hundreds of pounds to change a light bulb. Striking tube workers will be immediately sacked and desperate immigrants from the south and east of Europe hired to replace them. The sacked strikers will parade around complaining about their rights. Once their benefits have stopped after the new limit of six weeks they will be hired onto the new government “Clean up your community” scheme to remove graffiti and rubbish etc. This keeps them active and fit and gives them just about enough to live on while they retrain as bog-attendants.
– WWIII will break out over Taiwan but it’s a long way away and the fallout will take months to reach Britain. In any case, a poorly-maintained nuclear reactor somewhere in Eastern Europe will explode sending radioactive dust all over Europe, so the fate of Taiwan will be the least of our worries.
– War in the Middle East will erupt between Shia and Sunni factions in various countries. Israel and the USA will bomb Iran back to the Stone age to destroy its nuclear facilities and all Muslims will be expelled from Europe. All oil imports will cease and the UK will return to coal with a gasworks being built in every town and city to provide heat and lighting. Arthur Scargill will be made Honorary President of the new British Mining Corporation. Horses and carriages will return to the City Streets with the added advantage that remakes of Sherlock Holmes stories will be much cheaper.
– Food imports will disappear and the English (the Welsh also have declared UDI and applied to unite with newly-independent Scotland, a double-whammy provoking yet another rare outburst of riotous joy in England) will start planting potatoes in their gardens – if they have one. The price of potatoes will rocket in inverse proportion to the resale value of Ferraris. Consumers will once more be able to buy curved bananas, except that there won’t be any. Curvy cucumbers, however, will regain their once-proud position in the market.
– Once the Sunnis have wiped out the Shia or vice versa they will turn on apostates (= everyone else) to try to cleanse the planet for Mohammed. They’ll have the oil but fortunately we’ll have the bomb . If anyone is left over when the dust has settled then perhaps Man will start again a bit wiser – but don’t bet on it…………..