EXCITING NEWS!! Our mole in the Labour Party’s CREEPY (The Committee for the Reelection of the Party) has managed to get hold of a draft copy of the party’s manifesto for the 2015 election.
This is dynamite stuff so I promised faithfully I would not publish it. However, as we all know a promise is not worth the paper it isn’t written on in politics, and in any case circumstances have changed since I made the promise (namely that now I have the info and before I didn’t), so here we go.
It seems the PET (Party Election Theme) will be DOUBLE OR QUITS, since apparently lots of things are going to be doubled. It was felt this would be a sufficiently catchy slogan to seize and retain the attention of voters.
And in a stunning move there will be a major reconciliation of the warring tribes within the great movement, bringing back on board some who had jumped ship and others who had of course been pushed off it.
This is apparently how it goes:
A) The following will be doubled:
- borrowing – to invest in infrastructure and thus create jobs
- doctors’ salaries – to improve the NHS
- local council salaries – to improve councils
- our EU contribution – to improve the EU
- investment in PFIs to improve infrastructure, along with the doubling of the time taken to pay off the debt
- the size of the Civil Service to speed up and improve the quality of service to Ministers
- the welfare budget so as to abolish poverty
- taxes so as to pay for all the above (an idea filched from President Hollande of France)
- the minimum wage to keep the unions quiet
- MPs’ salaries to keep them quiet – or at least quieter
- the number of government consultants to create jobs and help Ministers reach the right decisions
- the amount of land sold to foreigners to build houses to rent to native Brits in a vast extension of the “Buy-to-let” policy, with the hope of doubling tenants and reducing home-ownership by half during a single parliament
- the cost of energy through the doubling of the number of operational coal mines – this is calculated to double the country’s fuel self-sufficiency safety factor and of course will put the final nail in Mrs Thatcher’s coffin
- the BBC grant so as to improve government propaganda
- the airspace devoted to convincing the public that the Tories are incompetent toffs (some had argued against this on the basis that everyone knew it already and that all our politicians are incompetent but the only case to be resolved was which lot were less incompetent than the rest)
B) Some things however will be abolished:
- border controls to save paperwork
- the armed forces to save money (and the risk of a coup)
C) The main govt aims will be based on growth. The party is particularly pleased with the brilliant idea of increasing spending while simultaneously reducing the crippling debt through the anticipated massive increase in growth. Growth in fact will be the party’s new mantra. With this in mind, the following policies will be pursued:
- to reduce the debt through increased borrowing and spending (another idea from our French socialist comrades “Merci, les gars!”)
- to end austerity by increasing growth (see previous article)
- to increase the money supply (and thus in people’s pockets) by printing lots more of it
- to improve the country’s infrastructure so as to increase growth
- to reduce carbon emissions through increased growth
D) Among the Reconciliation and Truth appointments (RATS) will be these exciting initiatives:
- Tony Blair to run the The Listen and Respond Department (LIAR).
- Gordon Brown to oversee the Quantitative Easing Solves Everything Department (QUESE).
- Peter Mandelson to run the Socialist Millionaires United Group (SMUG) – this will convince the people that Labour has nothing against millionaires, as long as they are socialists.
- David Milliband to run the How to Lose elections Gracefully (HOTLEG) Advisory Group, which it is hoped this will be of particular on-going value to his brother (Gordon Brown is said to have lobbied unsuccessfully for this particular job).
- John Prescott to be Roving Troubleshooter (ROT), as usual punching above his weight, difficult though this may now be – he will be known as SUPREME ROTTER.
David Blunkett was also offered a post but apparently declined on the basis that the country did not want – as he said – to see the blind leading the blind.
All in all, this is a stupendously exciting package to put to the voters in 2015. I bet you can’t wait!!